We’ve all been in them, and we’ve all survived them…they
will make you feel terribly uncomfortable while making
others terribly sore (whether from laughter or from the
stench of weirdness that ensues).
I’m talking about socially awkward moments…
God knows, I’ve had so many of them, I don’t even feel
awkward anymore. I actually embrace them for the sake of
my own humor and for the research I’m doing for the book
I’ll be writing and retiring off of when I’m 50!
And what better place to discuss these such events than at
the gym, where I’ve discovered the likelihood of everyone’s
quirks and mishaps seem to be magnified to the tenth
degree?!
So that being said, lets get balls deep into this and uncover
the most embarrassingly funny (as long as its not happening
to you) and terribly weird/creepy events that make the gym
the most amazing microcosm of societies retardation!
Enjoy….
This is what happen's when Santa Clause meets crack...
1) The Smelly F*cker: I actually have more than my share
of these little bastards! The thing is, I will tell them they stink
when others will be too afraid to approach them for fear of
either the awkward conversation that will ensue, or the
melting of their skin from the “eau de funk” coming off of
stinky’s body. I mean seriously, is it too much to ask of
someone to either shower, put on deodorant, or wash their
clothes every once in a while? The thing is 9 times out of ten
they don’t realize they stink because they have severed the nerve endings in their nose from the rancid emissions
coming off of their body! Some smell like they walked
through a mile long pile of dog feces then rubbed a hundred
sweaty nut sacks all over themselves….C’mon people! Step
up and tell your boy they stink!!!
Not that type of bench...but yes, that's a fail!
2) The Bench Press Fail: I have ALWAYS been a fan of
any epic fails…they make me laugh. I guess for the same
reason I still laugh whenever someone farts (more on this
later) and when a kid gets the fire beaten out of him in the
middle of Wal-Mart by his parents. It’s just my brand of
humor. But something about the bench press fail is
awesomely funny to me…It’s the fastest way to see a
wannabe badass with a swollen ego become ridiculously
deflated and demoralized (all because he’s too sweet for a
spot). They’re very easy to spot too…and let me tell you I’m
typically not the guy that sprints over to save someone either.
I want them to learn a lesson, so I just sit back and watch the
magic! Typically they do the double tilt to let the weights just
fall off each side (for these guys I just laugh), but the guys
that actually fight with it…these are the ones that I really
look forward to. Lord knows that the weight of that bar isn’t
just crushing your sternum, it’s crushing your pride and
enthusiasm for the rest of your training session!
classic...
3) The Treadmill Fail: You know what I’m talking
about…You’re fidgeting with your I-Pod and before you
realize it you’re showing just how terribly uncoordinated you
are by eating face on an over-sized fan belt engineered for
taking you absolutely NO WHERE! Eating face on the
treadmill has to be at the top of the list for all women,
because honestly, I’ve only seen women do it! This, along
with the very last one on this list of social mishaps, is
probably the only thing I miss about the corporate gym atmosphere. It is so awesome, for a second I actually
pondered going to Play It Again Sports to purchase
one…then I remembered that they blow donkey nuts and
sleds are a lot cooler!
Girls fart too...
4) The Fart: I’m gonna be completely honest about this
one…I see no problem with farting. Whether on purpose, or
of the accidental nature, the way I see it, farting is no big
deal! Maybe it’s because I come from a family that routinely
has conversations not only maneuvered around everyone’s
collective flatulence, but also conversations BASED on them!
But theses are the facts…dudes and chicks both do it, and
whether its by accident when you are going for that last rep
on the front squat or not (I actually find it helps propel me
up), you should not feel embarrassed! The ONLY caveat to
this is when farting turns to SHARTING…That’s when it’s time to either claim “it’s cool to poop your pants” or book
your ticket to a neighboring nation.
Now the last on every list has to be ten types of awesome, but
I’m gonna crank this biotch up to 11!!! Never will I ever get to
experience this unbelievable occurrence again. The fact that I
saw it the first and only time was an act of God…a gift from
the heavens if you will. So with that epic buildup I give you….
You can't recreate this magic!
5) The CrossFit Titty Episode: Let me set the scene for
you…I was training a client at the old corporate gym I used to
work at and I see this chick out of the corner of my eyes that
is doing a CrossFit style workout on her own. Not gonna lie,
this girl was GETTIN’ IT! So there she is decked out in
spandex from head to toe, looking like Zuzzana’s cyborg
sister just cranking out rep after rep of Burpees. This goes on
for it seems atleast 5 minutes, and let me tell you, she was packing some extreme heat up top. Now, towards what was
I’m assuming the tail end of her Burpee Chaos Workout, the
most unbelievably awesome thing to EVER happen at this
gym, or any gym for that matter, happened within 5 feet of
me! I don’t know if her bolt ons were so fresh that she had no
feeling in them or that she was so determined to finish the
workout that she just didn’t care, but on the 3rd to last one,
both of her tits popped out…Notice I mentioned 1) she
finished the set, and 2) her tits popped out on the 3rd to last
one.
That essentially left me witnessing the top 3 Burpees
ever completed! This is the kicker though….she must not
have thought anything of it, because she very casually tucked
her girls away and finished with a cool down in the spinning
room. The people around her were the ones that felt
awkward! I don’t get it! The defining, and probably best
moment in this one teenage kid’s life that was standing next
to me happens right before his eyes, and all he can do is turn
beat red and turn away? I’ll be honest, I was gonna be a gentleman and offer to put them back for her, but I thought
I’d give this kid a shot….I guess some people are content with
letting their life be defined by missed opportunities…
Well, hopefully y’all enjoyed reading these as much as I
enjoyed witnessing them…
And if you did, I hope you’d be kind and cool enough to pass
it on to your friends.
But regardless, I urge you to at the very least to share with m
YOUR awkward Gym moments.
Simply leave a comment in the box below and enlighten
everybody to the utterly insane world that surrounds us all!
