Unless you have been living under a rock for the past few years, you have heard of the television phenomenon called "Jersey Shore". Contrary to many vicious rumors floating around out there, this show is not a joke….they take great pride in their New Jersey roots, which is why they bust their ass to endure the strenuous upkeep of their Guido lifestyle. And because of this time consuming GTL lifestyle, I'm taking it upon myself as a professional strength coach to ensure that they can be card carrying members of the "Swole Patrol" for a long time to come.
First I will lay down a couple of guidelines that you as a Guido must abide by…think of this as The Guido Manifesto.
You are representing Guido's all over: Take pride in this. Sure there will be haters. They are only jealous of you though and are a waste of your time. Rest assured, the time they spend hating on you is time they are not impressing the ladies that you are (or should be). So really, the haters are doing nothing but helping you out.
If you ever need inspiration or guidance, just remember, WWSD? In a bind? Indecisive on what your next immediate or long term move is? I want you to ask yourself a simple question. "What Would Situation Do?"…He is your inspiration and moral compass. Think of him as the Guido Messiah…
All you need to worry about is your SCAB: No not the scab on your lip…This is an acronym for Skin, Chest, Abs and Biceps. When have you ever heard a chick say "your legs are sexy"? Never! That's when…so until hell freezes over, avoid the squat rack like the plague (unless you plan on doing shrugs or curls…more on this later).
Keep your Tanning Membership active year round: You never know when you're gonna need to show the fruits of your labor to the Guidettes. You really wanna take a chance?
Worst case scenario, if you have been slacking
in the gym or in the salon, you can rest easy
with the fact that there's always spray tan
brosky! Besides, if you can't tone it, tan it.
Always have at least 4 servings of Muscle Milk with you: What happens if your boys give you a last second ring to go to a pool party and you gotta get your swell on in a hurry? Don't think
for a second you can skimp on your post-Swole
nutrition! Part of living the Guido life is living
without any regrets. Don't risk your results on
something as important and simple as this.
Don't waste your time training muscles that you
can't directly impress the Guidettes with: If you
are wasting valuable time in the weight room
doing things that won't give you ripped abs,
bulging biceps, or tear drop pecs, what the hell
are you doing?! Remember, WWSD?
There is NOTHING that can distract you while
getting your swell on: What is your ultimate
goal? If you are a true and devoted Guido, you
didn't even have to think about this one. It's to
get chicks! Notice there was an "s" tacked on to
that? That's because you don't wanna limit
yourself to one, and to be able to get more than
that, you're gonna need to have lazer focus in
the gym. That means if a chick is digging on
your steez (style w/ ease) and wants to talk, you
ignore her and proceed with your swell. (The
only amendment to this rule is if there is a
group of chicks big enough to cover your boys
So get your hair gelled up, put a sweet head band on,
grab your little brothers t-shirt (a wife beater would
be a good substitute if you can't find a shirt tight
enough), and for God's Sake show some class and
wear your Aviators in the gym; cuz I'm about to
birth the most kick ass, fist pumping work out
your JABRONI ass has ever seen!
The Guido Workout
1) Warm-up: Carrying around the burden of being
as awesome as you are is enough of a warm-up in my
eyes, you should probably just proceed to the core
lift of the day. If you insist though, do this.
(1 set of 50 Jumping Fist Pumps/arm)
*you will be doing these later in the evening, so do
yourself a favor and practice them
*make sure to do them in front of a mirror so to
clear up any inefficient movements and to master
2) Bench Press: (5 sets til failure of atleast one caddy
*feet should most definitely be on top of the bench
in order to minimize any leg involvement
*you are encouraged to scream and grunt during the
set to let everybody know that the champ is in the
3) Barbell Shrugs s/s with Barbell Curls: (3 sets of 12
it is imperative that you do these in front of the
mirror and in the Curl Rack (only chump's call it the
make sure you have wrist straps on to eliminate
any chance of grip giving out
make sure to rock the back while doing curls to
maximize the amount of weight you can use
make sure to make some noise (we covered this
already, but every detail counts)
4) Crunches: There is no set volume for crunches.
Its as simple as this, you do them until you have a
make sure to have one hand behind your head, and
one hand on your abs
in between sets lift your shirt up to check your
continue with crunches until "situation" appears
There you have it guys! If you follow this simple
plan, you will be on the fast track to getting
your "Situation" on track, and be Fist Pumping
confidently throughout the night knowing deep
down that you are more badass than anyone you or I